The first entry was kinda cringe, I know, even though I am of the mentality that you should allow yourself to be cringe, sometimes it can be hard to actually accept yourself as cringe, you know? Anyways, I'm gonna work on an about section where I'll put some information about the reocurring "characters" that will appear throughout this fucking uhh,,, journey? Idk, something, I can't think of the words right now, I woke up not long ago and the adhd meds haven't kicked in completely yet.



Ok, so that's done now. I'm gonna start putting time stamps on this so it looks tidier or whatever.

The fact that I have to write paragraphs like this in HTML is kinda tedious and annoying, but I suppose I'll get used to it.

Should I use a spacer between entries? Idk, I'll test it out for a while and see how it goes.

Well, as you can probably guess I'm not gonna use this blog to talk only about my crush on Spark, there'll be more things I talk about, though this will mainly be dedicated to that subject.

I wonder if she likes poetry, I kinda don't, mostly because I don't like the vibe that poets have, but having a crush has made me consider writing that kind of thing like a stupid ass romantic. I used to consider those people weird and a little embarrassing, mostly stemming from the fact that I didn't understand what it was like having a crush on someone IRL. But love has always fascinated me in one way or another, I had almost become completely resigned to only enjoying love in fiction until I realized I had a crush on Spark. And I'm trying so fucking hard to be normal about this, but I guess I'm not built that way(?). If she ever found this I wonder if she'd freak out, probably yes. I'll try my best to be not creepy.

It's funny to think that at first I was the most attached to another friend in the discord server, she's thirty-something and married, I still thought I had a crush on her, but I didn't pay too much attention to it and it went away (thankfully). Whatever, the point is that that was most likely another self-induced crush, like the ones I usually have on IRL people. I have had very strong crushes before, but they've always been on fictional characters so those don't count. The feelings are real but the person is not, and I know that very well, because there's a sense of relief in the fact that I'll never be with them in a relationship, you know?

This feels very different, it's not that much of a strong feeling as the fictional crushes are, but I think about her very often and imagine scenarios where I show her around my country, take her out to eat, cuddle with her while talking about our special interests and introduce her to my family. I don't know, I just wanna see her IRL. I know what she looks like, I've seen a couple of pictures of her, but I wonder what it feels like to hug her and stuff. She's probably taller than me I think. Also she's older but I'm not sure by how much.

Awful news, lads. I looked up her intro on discord and she's older than I thought, which wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that yesterday I was talking to her about how a 28 y/o classmate was creeping me out by having a crush on me pre-t since I looked and sounded very very young and she didn't know I was trans. I don't think I'm overthinking this when I say that I probably made her feel like I'd think she's creepy if she had a crush on me. I feel like I need to clarify what I meant because I fucking suck at explaining myself while talking (I'm much better at it in writing), I'm not sure how to approach this though AAAAAAAUGH.

I have entered a pit of despair, bye for now.



Great news, I managed to explain myself succesfully, my relief is unmeasurable and my crops are thriving.